Chaos is gone now.

Poor sweet, evil, beautiful, crazy, beloved kitty. Thanks for not leaving alone for 16 years.

No words.

No words.

See you in the next life, baby.
posted by Jason S. at 9:35 PM

So I just woke up not long ago from having a dream about Erin Anderson. I hadn't dreamt about her in a while, and it always kind of bothers me when I do. These aching, heart-wrenching dreams...
See, I knew her like 10 years ago. This all probably sounds creepy. I think we were friends, at least briefly, and of course I had a huge crush on her. Our lives were very very different though. One day I called her and she told me to not call her anymore. She said she "didn't have the time". That destroyed me. Because I knew there was some reason, some real reason, behind it. But I never found out what it was. A year later I tried to call her again, and the first thing she said was almost the exact same thing. So I gave up and left her alone.
Down through the years, I've had these dreams where she was in them. Mostly, it's like it happened in waking life, but I see her again and it's really akward and I want to know what happened but I can't find out and I don't want to seem like some obsessed stalker. And I never find out, and nothing changes, and that moment is frozen in time forever, unresolved in my heart.
Ah, I'm not even explaining it well... Anyway, so just now this dream... I see her again, and she's just decided to break up with some guy, but I'm there and she talks to me. The dream played out weird... not in an ideal way, and not in a nightmarish way. More like real life in that nothign ended up resolved. She said she'd call me and then it would be one of those "all will be revealed" deals. And I say "But you don't have my number!" And she runs off to get a cell phone to enter it in and I wake up. Having fallen in and out of that dream a couple times already, it was over and I just got up. With my heart aching. That same longing ache.
Argh.
Over the years I have tried to look her up online. Never really found her. And what would I say? There's no possible way she wants to hear from me ever again. Haven't ever found her. She's probably moved away or got married or both. Me, how much have I changed? A lot and a little, depending on how you look at it. She wasn't perfect, she had her problems. And maybe that's what made her decide to cut me off.
But I want to know.
She wasn't the love of my life. At the time, sure I wanted her to be. But that's the way it goes with me, always hoping, looking, yearning for stupid stuff. These dreams... they really pull at my soul. All this time later, I just want to know what she thinks now. And realistically, most likely, she doesn't think anything of me at all.
That's fine, but there was never closure in my heart. How to get it? How to stop those aching dreams...
posted by Jason S. at 1:10 PM